if you kiss (nge-nge') the palm of everyone older than you...

if you feel that GUAM stands for 'Give Us American Money'...

if you flunked out of parochial school...

if you rinse your hair with lemon...

if you own a pair of white, patent shoes...

if the church sends you a special box of  'chenchule' envelopes every year...

if you claim Spanish Citizenship because Ferdinand Magellan discovered Guam...

if you eat Fruitbats...

if you have wet dreams all the time...

if you eat Spam for Breakfast, Spam for Lunch & Spam for Dinner...

if you are 42-years old and still live with your parents...

if you find Tupperware or Amway presentations ALOT OF FUN...

if your credit score is 350 and you register for Identity Theft Protection...

if you have between 15 and 24 siblings...

if your bathtub doubles as a water storage unit...

if you go to a party and ask the host for tin foil...

if you have rocks in your shower...

if you give a head gesture to everyone you make eye contact with...

if your family tree has way too many question marks...

if you're related to 99% of the island's population...

if you eat Spagetti with rice...

if you can 'cha-cha' to the Stars Spangle Banner...

if you owned a military cookbook for cornbeef...

if you have many aunties and uncles who are much younger than you...

if you call soy sauce 'ketchup'...

if you like sardines in your pizza...

if you call tomato ketchup 'catsup'...

if your 1st sex teacher was your Grandma...

if you believe that cockfighting is an artistic expression...

if CHOD is your favorite adjective...

if you believe that a party is not a party without booze...

if your home is a shack and your ranch is a lean-to...

if you go to church on Sundays expecting to get laid...

if your Sunday Church Service begins after the sermon...

if your sister is also your auntie...

if you have more pets at home than the Humane Society...

if you eat everything with (fina'dene) Chamori chili sauce...

if you were taught that playing with yourself was a sin, so you let others do it for you...

if you're a compulsive dreamer...

if you joined the Navy to see the world...

if you claim all your pets as dependents...

if you believe in dwarfs (duendes & nanu)...

if you're an expert at 'chamorurizing' words or phrases, such as...

Computer to Komputa...

Printer to Printa...

if you're an expert at dodging unexploded bombs leftover from World War II...

if you're allergic to cooked food...

if you own a Black & White TV Set...

if you believe the Karaoke machine is God's gift to the Chamori people...

if you're intimidated by Chamori women...

if you attended more colleges than you have fingers but still a freshman...

if you've seen UFOs near Talofofo...

if you host a 'before' or 'after' typhoon party...

if you claim that the 'twist' was an ancient Chamori dance...

if you stop swimming in the ocean because it starts to rain...

if you have eight (8) sets of godparents...

if at least half of your family works for the government...

if you believe white tube socks are a fashion statement...

if you scribbled your name and phone number on your bathroom wall...

if your family tree is much like the coconut tree

(a generational straight line)...

if your idea of a romantic evening is going to a secluded beach and nude-dancing until sunrise...

if you believe the U.S. Marines returned to Guam in 1944 to save your grandfather's ass...

if the Governor and the Archbishop are in your FAVE...

if you ask permission to pee in the woods...

if you drive a classic duct-taped Ford Mustang...

if you shake your bootie like 7-whole grains on a mission...

if you sing religious hymns all day long...

if you speak your own language with a foreign accent...

if you carry a used condom in your wallet, JUST IN CASE...

if being nude is your idea of casual attire...

if you majored in Criminal Mischief...

if you eat pizza with a knife and fork...

if you salute everyone in uniform...

if you walk around with an expired social security card...

if you cringe at the thought of being called a 'micronesian'...

if you have non-dated but completed FEMA Claim Forms for the next disaster...

if your name is tattooed on your body lest you forget...

if you believe that massage therapy is sooo CHAMORI...

if your class A uniform is a thong...

if you claim POW status for the Japanese Occupation in World War II...

if you're a religious non-comformist ...

if you go to a funeral to play poker...

if your wife has hair on her chest...

if you're so patriotic that you claim to be the brown crust of that American Pie...

if you're a die-heart Republican with extreme liberal tendencies...

if you look gorgeous in your Drivers License photo...

if you're a 'Swap Meet' junkie...

if your birth certificate has place of birth as 'unknown'...

if you're a compulsive dreamer...

if you believe in fairies...

if you've watched rerun episodes of the Lone Ranger...

if John Wayne is your superhero...

if you apply your own urine to an insect bite...

if you personify the true meaning of CHOD...

if you cook everything with coconut milk...

if you suffer from cloister-phobia having been born and raised on a small island...

if you feel that BIG women are yum-yum...

if you use pomade on your hair...

if you agree that kamachili is the natural homegrown Viagra...

if your nickname is 'boy' or 'bobo'...

if you open a $5.00 savings account at all the island banks...